How to make your coach better!

Don´t know if you knew that: Your coach is only as good as you are!

So how much are you paying for your coaching?
And what is the result you want to have?

If it´s cheap and easy and you do it „just for fun“ pls. go ahead throwing your money into the toilet. If not, read this and turn on your coaching flame. Make yourself vulnerable and don´t seek relief, reassurance, proof, that you´re doing great – seek for challenge. Nobody can do this for you!

„What the heck is she talking about“ are you maybe asking now. Yes, what the heck!
I´m asking about how your brain processes information and how much effort and courage you put into the process of your coaching – the process of „self-directed neuroplasticity“. In coaching you actively change your brain :-). How crazy is this?

The „Information“ i´m talking about is the stored data in your brain about the things and thoughts that you want to get over. This can be a limiting belief or the thoughts or biases, that hold you back doing things differently.
You don´t have to do things differently?
Ok, then cancel you next appointment!
You don´t need a coach! ?

If you do what you have always done, you will get the same results you always had – it´s that easy! I thought you have a coach because you want to change something. Not just to feel good by talking a bit about this and that.

You want to say NO to your boss? Just do it! Change!
You want to ask for a promotion? Just do it! Change!
You want to stop eating chocolate? Just do it! Change!

Isn´t that easy? Yes, it isn´t! If we could just change, that would be the death of multibillion industries and make our job as coaches worthless :-). Think about diet! Think about the thousands of people, paying for the gym and go there one a year.

But the big question is:
What is that something, that holds you back – can you explain it? Or do you just beat yourself, e.g. „I´ve no discipline“ ( and a tip: be careful about your words, they become reality ;-))
What are the exceptions and excuses you make? – Is there always a reason in the world or others?
What is the story around the topic?
Where are you stuck in? What are the toughts that you have over and over again?
What is going on? You know it`? Really?
What´ is the lie of the saboteurs, the self-sabotage? If you fail one you will fail always?
Why didn´t you really change? 80% of new year plan fail! Why? If you could proceed with just thinking about, with just making plans how great would that be, but it isn´t that easy!
Because the change is not processed – you just store new information by thinking what could be done :-). Everything is theory and your brain doesn´t like theory. It needs realities. And pics and feelings – it doesn´t matter if they are real or imaginations – are REAL for your brain.

Got it? So, if you really want to turn around, you can help your coach being at the best service for you if you show up: I know how scary it is to talk to somebody about fears, emotions and all the dirty stuff – and even harder is it to really! think big, dream big imagine you could have anything you want – that so scary – we as coaches have coaches too :-)!

I hate the image of coaching & therapy that in people´s mind it´s always connected with problems and drama, with tears and struggle. It isn´t!

But here´s the deal: your brain isn´t rational, absolutely not – change is emotional – it´s nothing you can analyse and just operate on!Most of the time we´re all driven by autopilot: emotions and desire are so much faster than our conscious rational thinking. That´s why we cannot change by just thinking differently. We have to feel differently. I love this TED talk: Be brilliant every day.

So to change you have to absolutely SLOW DOWN and process what´s happening. You have to stop – or your coach will stop you and give you space and allowance –  to look at the feeling that´s driving you. Not to take an emotional shower, it´s a very technical process: only in order to change it, if it´s holding you back or if it has the power to push you forward ( resonance & dissonance) we have to get closer to it. Make it real and tangible to change it. Make it from an subject to an object that can be changed.

You brain is a supercomputer: Processing by slowing down and looking into, is like opening a file, correct it and restore it in the directory. So yes, opening the file is opening up your full potential of thoughts and images, inner dialogues.

Your coach helps you by using a different „door“ to your subject. He asks you for these images, imaginations, for colors or the geography of the feeling, because the brain can´t really work with abstracts like: I´m so sad. It´s just a word – the brain needs the idea. The big piece of data.

So what´s the color of this sadness, what´s the smell, where do you feel it, how would you describe it, what does the feeling say to you, how does it look to be like this, who are you now … helps your brain to rework and not just repeat what you thought a thousand times: I´m so sad.

Feels crazy? Yes it is, but the best you can do for yourself is this: show up, play, be crazy, use your fantasy and all out. If you coach plays with you he or she isn´t crazy – maybe it feels crazy for her too but: he or she gives you access to the world under your automated thoughts – there is your abiliy to change! So PLAY, PLAY, PLAY! Don´t be feared, have fun, don´t hold back. Let´s get our hands dirty.

What most clients fear is being vulnerable, but a vulnerability-hangover is a great sign that you did great work: The morning after a great coaching or on your way back to work, in the evening after a good game, you maybe will have a sense of emptiness or shame, some emotional vaccum. Your head feels empty and confused. You know, that feeling you´ll be over after you slept a night? This one! Good sign: Then something is really changing. You both, you and your coach where playing fearless. The brain is shaked up, something is in process.

And after this act of trust and openness to a third person or to yourself you have something that Brene brown calls „Vulnerability-Hangover“. It´s that hangover when you went beyond your protection system and there is this vulnerable feeling left. The fear of being rejected, judged or misunderstood: I wrote about on instagram.

Why does it feel like a hangover? If you get yourself into emotion (the good and bad ones) it really shakes up the automated thoughts – the efficient routines. You successfully start to rewire your system, new connections between neurons are made, you´re learning! And, you take subconscious content to your conscious mind and this is a fuzzy energy consuming thing. All your system is wired for automation and it´s superhard to work against that. So if there was real impact – if the walls of protection really fell down in order to process change – you will feel like after a long night dancing. Something really important is in process and is restoring – your brain needs time for this, sometimes even days and weeks. And the truth about restoring is, emotional content is stored so much better. As emotions are playing a big role in your learning, your chances to remember and get access to new possibilities are much higher then if you only „understood“ something – this is just a new folder that you open up.

What´s my best advice for effective coaching: If you just had an „oh“ you should turn on the flame, risk something, be vulnerable.  So don´t be afraid to get hurt, your coach will never hurt you, do yourself a favor and play out full. This is why we have to get emotional together, it uplifts the change and learning. Don´´t be afraid, it´s just fun! Let´s play! What if …. .

What about the body: it´s the same, always when I try to look good in training, when I try to be a good girl and play safe it isn´t really challenging – if I´m not willing to struggle I´m not willing to become stronger. We have to risk struggle in order to grow.
A great trainingspartner is calling you beyond the things you are already able to do – this, not to make you looking weak or unable – he does it in order to to call you out, to help you showing up! We as coaches already see the bigger, stronger version beyond you: your unstoppable future self. There is no growth without struggle. Don´t try to look good try to develop.

Source: Kerstin

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